Incanto
Your Benevolent Tyrant
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Worst Possible Sex Scene
This was inspired by truthoftherose's comment in the "would you want sex?" thread:
| Quote: | | Now, if LJ Smith can write a good sex scene is another matter. I'm curious to see if her writing style can handle it in an artful way that also
utilizes her detailing. |
So let's poke a little fun at our favorite author.  Here's a challenge: compose
the worst possible sex scene as they could be written by Lisa on a bad day. You get bonus points if you take actual in-book quotes and paste them
together out of context to make a horrible sex scene.
Remember: it's gotta be awful. Leave the well-crafted LJ Smith sex scenes to LJ Smith. This should be like the horrible MST3K remnants of a worst-case
scenario.
Have fun!
The prince must be a lion, but he must also know how to play the fox.
"She pulled my hair and dragged me into the sea. I don't know why she did it. And while she did it, she sang like a violin."
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cathyrne
Dragon
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I pulled this directly from quotes in Soulmate and the very last line is from Secret Vampire. Hilariously awful sex indeed. 
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He took a deep breath, then said out loud, "Nilsson, wait!"
"Yes?" the CIA guy said again, politely urgent.
Thierry reached over the front seat and grabbed the astonished Nilsson with a hand like iron. It was a skill so familiar to his body that he might
have been born with it. The CIA guy had an expression now. He looked stunned. He shut his eyes and leaned back against the crimson cushions, wishing
he were somewhere else. They shouldn't be doing this. But there was no way he could stop it.
"Wet, Nilsson," Thierry said softly. When his voice came out at last, it was strangely distant.
"You've really got to restrain yourself." Nilsson said. His tone was gentle, but it was unmistakably not the urging of a friend anymore. Every muscle
in Thierry's body was tense. He stared at it, at his own long fingers holding the chunky, textured gold barrel, knowing that this sight would be
impressed on his memory as if burned in with a torch. He hadn't allowed himself to feel it for so long- because the feeling could drive him insane.
"I'll take care of everything.”
"Thierry Descouedres. He always has a big one."
“You will never understand the pain of giving birth, only to have your children devoured…”
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cathyrne
Dragon
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Registered: 12-9-2006
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Mood: sleepy
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More silly word toggle because, well, I don't really have an excuse for this. James and Poppy from SV taken directly from the text. i have the most
hindered and held back mind ever.
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"We'd better get started." He got up and drew the window curtains shut. "Sunlight inhibits all vampire powers," he said in a guest lecturer voice.
Then he said very quietly and seriously, "Do you want to start now?"
She pulled the white dress over her head and said softly, "I'm ready."
Her heart was thumping hard enough to shake her body. Poppy leaned back against the pile of pillows on her bed.
Just do it, Poppy thought. Get it over with.
"No-there's something else we have to do," he whispered. The words were tinged with desperation.
James leaned in close to her. Gently, without looking at her, he put a hand on her shin under the blanket. Poppy looked at the sculpted planes of his
face, at the wave of brown hair falling over his forehead like silk ... and held her breath. Even in the semidarkness Poppy felt mesmerized by his
eyes. They were like windows to some other place, someplace distant and magical.
All right, then, Poppy thought. Shutting her eyes, she allowed James to guide her head to his…
Oh, Poppy thought. Slowly, almost reverently, she leaned forward, eyeing the thing. She found herself groping for James and took a tiny lick and
grimaced. It tasted--strange. Another lick. Rich and potent.
Like some magic elixir, Poppy thought dizzily. Her tongue felt thick; and once again she cautiously explored him with her tongue.
"Stick with me, kid, and you'll be fine," she whispered to it, and gave a conspiratorial wink.
Intoxicated with the closeness, Poppy put her arms around him, feeling his bare skin under the flannel of her nightgown. James's hand supported the
back of her head. He felt strong and reliable and he smelled good.
That's right. You've got to take a lot, James told her. But his mental voice was weaker than it had been. She felt something in her mouth nudging her
lower lip, and she poked her thumb at it instinctively and he swelled until it hurt. When James pulled away, straightening, she felt calm and clear
now, as if everything had become very simple.
He kissed her on the forehead, and just held her, his lips against her skin, and tilted her chin back as James took her in his arms. But he didn't do
anything else.
"I'm ready," she said through stiff lips. His arms tightened around her, then he laid her gently on the mounded pillows. All Poppy could think of to
do was shut her eyes and brace herself the way she did for an injection. "Yeah, well, if I scream you can hypnotize me," Poppy said, not opening her
eyes.
There was a burning where he pierced her, burying himself in her flesh. Now it's really going to hurt, Poppy thought. She couldn't brace herself
anymore. She felt a quick sharp throb, somewhere between sweetness and pain and waited for it to get worse-but it didn't. It changed.
She could feel warmth as James leaned close to her, taking her carefully. Every nerve ending in her skin was aware of him. There was no pain. Just a
feeling of wanting to glide away. Her body now felt warm and numb, as if she were insulated by a soft, thick aura. The terror that had been pounding
inside her all day was gone, and for the first time in her life she felt completely safe.
Don't worry, Poppy. Don't be afraid. All his thoughts were ferociously protective. She looked at him as he lay there, brown hair ruffled, body lax.
She found his elbows endearing.
Poppy felt peaceful. The direct sense of his love made her calm, flooded her with light.The feeling of heat was actually pleasant. A sensation of
release, of giving. And closeness.
She and James were getting closer and closer, she had the sense that they were melting together, dissolving and merging everywhere they touched. She
basked in the glow that seemed to be lighting her from the inside out.
Yes, Poppy thought dizzily.
A wave of sweetness made her dizzy. She found herself groping for James's hand, their fingers intertwining. And all the time the dreamy pleasure was
building. The feeling of oneness, of suddenly being whole-it spread through her like star shine. Making Poppy shiver with its intensity.
How could I have been so stupid? Poppy thought. To be afraid of this. It isn't terrible. It's.. . . right.
She suddenly felt distance and height and depth spaciousness. As if her horizons had expanded almost to infinity in an instant. As if she'd discovered
a new dimension. As if there were no limits or obstacles to what she and James could do together.
She felt ... free.
I'm getting light-headed, she realized. She could feel herself going limp in James's arms. Swooning like a wilting flower.
I wish it could last forever, she thought-and then they were both clinging together as a wave of pure emotion swept them. Poppy gave a soft
exhalation, and then suddenly she was moving. Her chest heaved once, twice. Her hand tightened on James's and her eyes flew open but she didn't seem
to be seeing anything. She simply looked astonished.
For one moment Poppy was suspended in air, then her eyes closed and she fell back on the pillows. Then the heaving gasps stopped, and the warmth
disappeared. A little shy, she leaned against him, resting on his shoulder. For now, just sitting here like this was enough, just feeling James
breathe and hearing his heart and absorbing his warmth. And his arm around her shoulders was almost too much, almost too intense to bear, but at the
same time it was safe and peaceful.
"I forgot to mention something before," she said. "I only realized I forgot when I was . . . going to sleep. I forgot to mention that I love you."
James sat up. "You only forgot to say it with words."
Poppy felt a smile tugging at her lips. That was the amazing thing, the only purely good thing about what had happened to her. She and James had come
together. Their relationship had changed-but it still had everything she'd valued in their old relationship. The understanding, the camaraderie. Poppy
settled herself more comfortably against him. Now on top of that was the new excitement of discovering each other as more than best friends.
“You will never understand the pain of giving birth, only to have your children devoured…”
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Incanto
Your Benevolent Tyrant
Posts: 980
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O_o
(Yup, that looks about right for the progression of faces I made)
Cathy, you are freakin' amazing and hilarious. I have not laughed so hard since... well okay, since earlier today when you linked me to that video.
BUT THAT WAS YOU TOO.
The prince must be a lion, but he must also know how to play the fox.
"She pulled my hair and dragged me into the sea. I don't know why she did it. And while she did it, she sang like a violin."
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cathyrne
Dragon
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Registered: 12-9-2006
Location: Jersey
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Mood: sleepy
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Incanto
O_o
(Yup, that looks about right for the progression of faces I made)
Cathy, you are freakin' amazing and hilarious. I have not laughed so hard since... well okay, since earlier today when you linked me to that video.
BUT THAT WAS YOU TOO. |
It's not my fault, these things write themselves.
I'm innocent I tells ya! Innocent! 
“You will never understand the pain of giving birth, only to have your children devoured…”
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pandora
Witch
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That was the most awesome thing I have read in a long time. You are hilarious Cathyrne.
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cathyrne
Dragon
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Registered: 12-9-2006
Location: Jersey
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| Quote: | Originally posted by pandora
That was the most awesome thing I have read in a long time. You are hilarious Cathyrne. |
Thanks, but honest, it wasn't me. Okay, maybe saying honest when lying is not the best way to go. 
Seriously though, this can be done by anyone with any of the books, any takers? :)
“You will never understand the pain of giving birth, only to have your children devoured…”
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WildPower
Silly Human
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I couldn't do it, but its giving me a laugh reading these! Imagine her own expression if she saw what she had inadvertantly done!
Ash Redfern, Those Who Favor Fire
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Team Damon. Rah-Rah, go Team yeah!
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His face was furious—and wet. It was so pale in the moonlight that to vampire eyes, it looked luminescent. He wasn’t trying to hide any of it from
her, that he’d been crying so hard that his eyelids were swollen and shadowed—or that he was still crying, crystal drops that fell on Jez’s upturned
face.
-Description of Morgead Blackthorn, bringing Jez back from the dead- Jez and Morgead's Night Out.
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